"The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count
the vote decide everything."
- Josef Stalin.
"Though passion may be strained, it must not break our bonds
of affection." Now is not the time for either side to stand
on legalisms and public relations tricks."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"Where is lawyer Johnnie Cochran when the Democrats need him
most? If the votes don't amount, you must recount."
-- Charlie Skuba
************************************************************
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a
fax message to every member of our state legislature.
Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."
Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
************************************************************
Political Correctness and Halloween
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider
some old Halloween activities, for example:
* Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA
types will be on you like stink on ----. What 30 centuries of white
male authors used to call witches, are today respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
* Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly
exit in cuffs and revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough not to
leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
* Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation
of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that
most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right
to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the
candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
* Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin,
soft- bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free)
dentifrice.
* Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before
being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights,
then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose,
given refugee status in yours.
************************************************************
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and
asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I
consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop
the next
morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with
a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the
cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered.
' I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber
found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from
the
police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I
owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I
consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived
at the shop, the barber found a dozen more Senators on the stoop.
**************************************************************
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Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these
waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next
year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can
name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you
will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to
school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I
am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I
suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle
on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal
with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your
phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it
will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave
any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two)
so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She
cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae/
yuppie / political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican / Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that
you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me
know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased
the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made
a down payment on an airplane.
************************************************************
NEW FLORIDA BUMPER STICKERS
I ARE ILLETERATE AND I VOTE
FLORIDA; WHERE YOUR VOTE COUNTS AND
COUNTS AND COUNTS AND COUNTS.........
IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
YOU MUST BE A REPUBLICAN
HONK IF YOU LOVE BUCHANAN ----
WAIT ---- NO ---- I MEAN GORE
FLORIDA, WE HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES:
IS OUR VOTERS LEARNING?
FLORIDUHHH HAPPENS
MY GRANDCHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT
AT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
VOTE FOR GORE: AT LEAST THREE TIMES
I HATE BUTTERFLIES
SORE/LOSERMAN FOR PRESIDENT
FLORIDA:
WHY WE NEED BUSH'S EDUCATION PLAN
EYE GRADIATED FRUM PAUM BEECH ELEMENTREE
DON'T BLAME ME! I VOTED FOR GORE TWICE
THANK ME! I MEANT TO VOTE FOR GORE
HOOK'D ON FONIKS WERKED FER ME
************************************************************
Tips for DC Tourists
Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia
to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they
stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the
middle of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and
leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians
would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an
expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will
turn to a Washingtonian for it. As an ambassador of the District, it
is always nice to say something courteous:
Advice for tourists in DC:
- Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
- Find and use the dining car on the Metro
- If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free
- Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court
on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
- Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch &
Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art
- Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at
the Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel
- Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro
through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
- If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's
a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it,
you'll be back at your desired exit!
- Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service
agents guarding the President to laugh
- The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until
you hit the Capitol.
- Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake.
Run for your life!
- Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
- Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find
many very good-looking, unmarried men
- For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to
"soften" them up before using the Metro card machines
- When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This
is a delightful way to see the city.
- There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI
Building
- If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's
office or residence and ask for some Coke
- To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the
person in front of you who is using the ATM
- Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for
a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats
- Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree
- In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or
bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your
party before proceeding.
**********************************************************
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to
raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Aiken
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese.
************************************************************
NEWS ANCHOR DESK DATELINE: 2000
Evening News Headlines January 1, 2000 Anchor desk copy
Good evening, and welcome to the Microsoft Evening News:
President-elect Bill Gates was under fire again today for alleged
tampering with Internet ballots. Gates issued a brief (59K)
statement, noting that a bug was found in ballot versions 3.0 and
lower, causing all votes for his opponent to be counted for him.
Microsoft is working on the problem, and should be issuing Microsoft
Ballot 4.0 in time for the next election. Vice-president Michael
Jordan, coming off a 28-point performance against the Knicks last
night, had no comment.
In Los Angeles, O.J. Simpson's 10th civil trial began today, with
Judge Judy presiding. In related news, Simpson has filed suit against
Bruno Maglie, and Maglie is suing Simpson. Representing Simpson is
attorney and former Baywatch star Pamela Lee Anderson Simpson.
American tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has done the unthinkable,
releasing a report today admitting that cigarette smoke "doesn't
smell that good." The American Cancer Society issued a terse
response, claiming 'We give up, people are idiots.'
In entertainment news, The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist
Formerly Known As Prince now wants to be known as Andy. Early this
morning and just after completing his performance last night in Times
Square, Andy commented on the millennium date controversy. "Now that
we've just party'd because it was 1999, I'm going to sleep like it
was the day after. Who says the new millennium isn't really until
2001? No one asked me!"
In economic news, The Dow Jones closed up 7001 points today to a new
record high of 32000. The Federal Reserve Board has declared all
paper money worthless as of today. Microsoft closed up an eighth.
The weather forecast for New York and the rest of the East Coast--a
gorgeous winter day, with highs approaching 97 near the beaches,
dropping to a low of 95 tonight.
Finally, in the landmark censorship case "U.S. vs. Howard Stern" the
Supreme Court today ruled 10-2 that people should turn off the radio
if they are offended by what they hear. It is unclear what this will
mean for the Internet.
That's the news, and don't forget, coming up next on SNBCCBSABCFOX,
the hilarious new CyberTeleSatelitteDVD-ROM sitcom "Mad About Friends
Being Married With Children Named Seinfeld In The NYPD Blue-Files"
The show is now also available on Nintendo 256 with the Oprah AI
feature, and MicroIntelSoft's Mmmm Good Inside Hot Pocket Portable.
Don't take life too seriously... it's not permanent
************************************************************
Pollitically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone
took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes
referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this
term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non traditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed
until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help
engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear
based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence
believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all
marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding
sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he
put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and
awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you
in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the
cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem
and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and
her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim here," said the woodchopper. "I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma.
Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
his firm, well padded back,gave a little belch, and said "Do you have
any Maalox?"
***************************************************************
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Al Gore immortalized
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair this is not fun.
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral college vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!
I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE l am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed
And still can't fulfill my counting need.
I'll count the tiles on the floor
I'll count, and count, and count some more.
And I will not say that I am done
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE l am!
What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!!!!!
***************************************************************
Politically Correct
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed
bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic
footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."
**************************************************************
Noah's Ark
If it happened today
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil
people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of
every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to
build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire
an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince
the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But
they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters
going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed
to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the
state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can
finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked
hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
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